Open Your Heart Rate: Madonna's New Workout DVDs

Fri, Jan 11, 2013 03:18 PM by Lizzy Cooperman

With Madonna's new workout series, "Addicted To Sweat," you're guaranteed more than just a triggered gag reflex. This miraculous collection of DVDs, including "Get Wet," "Slippery When Wet," and "Wet, Wet Wild" will help you envision the body you want, along with Madonna's most recent vagina. But they'll do more than just that. According to research, the DVDs also secrete a slew of additional benefits!

1. Sinewy arms

Bulging veins don't come for free. They're the result of weight-bearing exercises, a low fat diet, and a slab of raw chicken tacked to your vision board.

2. Sudden Interest In Kabbalah

When you raise your heart rate, you enter a whole new spiritual plane. That's why you don't need weights for Madonna's DVDs. You just need to download a Torah portion onto your Kindle Fire, and then decode the Hebrew letters to discern resistance exercises requiring a twenty-six dollar piece of string. Your name is Esther now.

3. Inexplicable British Accent

Why go through all the trouble of dialect class when you can simply sweat out your disgusting existing accent?? You'll learn to trade everyday phrases like "Truth or Dare" for "Trewth or Dare" as you disconnect from your embarrassing, American childhood.

4. Overblown Sense of Self-Importance

You don't need a gym full of mirrors when you're toning with the Queen of Pop and Lock. Rest assured, you'll leave confident enough to make confusing political statements while bench pressing a stack of your own R rated coffee table books!

5. Intentional wardrobe malfunctions

If you don't have an upcoming concert! in Instanbul where you can show off your nipple-centric slapstick humor, NO SWEAT. In her third DVD, you'll do demanding reps of taking your shorts off and putting them on again. If you can't reach your toes, no need to despair. You'll be wearing crotchless spandex.